You Had To Be There

A few jokes and one liners that I have heard over the years that really made me laugh. My apologies if you do not get the joke or even smile...I liked them: I guess you had to be there.

1) My mother was talking to my aunt Yvonne one time about her three son's sleeping habits. Once she started discussing my younger brother Lee's sleeping routine she declares: "That boy sleeps like a log! He can sleep through anything. The house could be burning down and he would sleep right through it!"

Yvonne: "Well.... then he would burn like a log"


2) My mother,whom suffers from rheumatoid arthritis, was doing some heavy complaining one day around her family members about how bad she felt on this particular day. She looks at my aunt Yvonne and says: "I'm hurting today boy, I hope you never have to go through this Yvonne because its no fun. I wouldn't wish this on anyone"
Now Yvonne,although very sympathetic to my mom,attempted to break the ice and lighten the mood by saying "Well...If I had to pick a disease..... <<<she leans back in her chair....tilts her head back and puts a fist on her forehead>>>....give meeeeeee : DANDRUFF!!"

3) On a very busy Friday night in the post office years ago my immediate coworkers and I were drowning in mail. There was no way we were going to clear the volume before our critical dispatch times. As we started our final breakdown of the work area to meet dispatch a coworker of mine noticed a container of mail with medicine packets therein. He quickly asked our immediate supervisor (JB) if we should delay breakdown to clear this medicine. There was no time for this...trucks were waiting to depart.....
Coworker: "JB,what about this medicine...should we throw off this medicine?"
JB: [shakes head] Oh well! I guess they'll just be some sick mutha fuckas this weekend!"
  (Rest in peace JB....we miss you )

4) Last week I played my first "Words with Friends" game on my newest iPhone app. It's a version of Scrabble. I invited my friend Reggie to a challenge. I was selected to go first. Sweet. I had letters that allowed me to spell "boner". Bonus: it landed on double word score. I thought, take that Reggie...your work is cut out for you. Well...he plays off the letter B and creates "morbidly" 60+ points and declares: "I should warn you,I am a former 1988 contestant in the National Spelling Bee"
I'm thinking...Ugh! Sandbagger! Jokes on me.
Reggie trounced me 413-277 spelling words "bijoux","ostia","devs","qi" in the process. I learned a lot about Reggie last week. Scientist,bilingual,great speller,and fun friend....what's worse about this beat down was knowing...Reggie isn't even  remotely impressed by my "boner" either :(
Bottom's up Reggie...well played!


5) As a teenager I attended a volleyball tournament in Jamestown,VA. Twelve of us attending a dinner that night in a local restaurant and the service was so bad my teammate,after paying his check,announces to the entire talk in a loud voice "Let's blow this puke hole!"
The table erupted...had to be there.

6) French class....9th grade...a classmate had a very unique looking ink pen. It was two inches long and looked exactly like a drug capsule. Half blue,half yellow and oval shaped. He raises his hand to grab Mrs. Watkins attention. "Yes Jeff" she says.
Jeff lifts his hand up holding that pen with his index finger and thumb and says: "May I please be excused to take a drink of water....I need to take my medicine"
The look on Mrs. Watkins face....priceless

7) Growing up, My mother would do our family's grocery shopping every Saturday afternoon. It was very common for her to buy her kids two or three boxes of Little Debbie cakes for us to enjoy during the week. Problem is: these cakes never lasted past Sunday evening...we kids were addicted to these oatmeal creme pies and fudge rounds or nutty bars. One type cake, choc-o-gels were not as popular with my two other brothers. So they lasted awhile...I loved them! Which made me quip the following on Sunday afternoon as we all piled in the car after church services. <speaking to mom and dad>:
"You know why I love choc-o-gels!? (pause) They're around on Tuesday!" My dad burst into laughter all the way home. It was a proud moment in my life ;)

8) My boyfriend (at the time) once discovered an accident from my dog Oliver lying on my bedroom carpet near my computer desk. As a courtesy to me he decided to clean it up. Walking in the bathroom he grabs some toilet paper and scoops up the dog poop. Sadly he doesn't take the poop to the bathroom to flush it down....He simply discarded the waste in my trash can....Under my desk! Later that evening,when I look down in my trash and see these dogs turds staring right back at me I started steaming! I calmly reclaimed these turds...re wrapped them...and stuffed them inside my boyfriends jacket pocket.
He didn't discover them until the following Fall. Life is good.

9) A coworker of mine and I were gossiping about another coworker one evening and we were talking about the unfortunate luck of his house recently burning to the ground. Knowing the kind of guy I was gossiping about I speculated to my coworker: "You don't think X would have burned it down on purpose just to claim the insurance money do you!?"
Coworker: "Michael...just what are you incinerate----insinuating!?" 

10) From 1995 through early 1997 I was working as an rural carrier relief in Henry,VA. My assigned day to work was Saturday along with the postmaster relief. We were the only two employees in the post office on any given Saturday. A customer walks and needs help filling out a new change of address form. At this time in Henry's history, everyone was converting over to the new 911 house addresses. Gone are the days of route 1 box 224 ...It was now 1956 Henry Road and so on....The postmaster handed our elderly customer the form and headed to the back of the building but within an earshot of the customer. I was casing mail in the back preparing for my route when I heard the elderly lady say: "Hmmmm Let's see...19..56 ...." The postmaster interrupts from the back...." No,No its 1996!" I couldn't stop laughing.