We met almost 7 years ago and never in my wildest imaginings did I ever think we would get as far as we did. I will be the first to admit that I struggled to put a lot of stock into us. Investing in our future together was something that was a very slow process indeed. For some reason I always had a sense of a temporary status in everything we did. I didn't think we would ever make it out of our long distance status. Once you moved to Roanoke I never thought you would be willing to stay very long and I knew you would never convince me to move north. Of course both these predictions were proven false.
Earlier this year, you and I had a very long talk one night on the way home from Winston Salem. We learned so much about each other that night,it left me thinking...Why did it take over 6 years to finally get to know that side of you and for you to understand my way of thinking and policies on life. It was as though we were starting anew. And there for a while it was a new beginning. As we shared in confidence about our openness and expressed our ideas and views it became clear that I was discovering a new you,and you discovering a new me. It felt great,liberating and relief to finally let each other understand different points of view.
I guess in hindsight I was letting you into my heart because I knew there was a storm cloud brewing in the distant future. As we came into new light about how we managed our relationship I knew it was becoming clear that the unavoidable was about to happen.
Somewhere along the way I had been driving a wedge between you and I. And I have to confess it was such a gradual process that the end result was absolutely blindsiding. Before I knew what was happening the damage was irreversible. My frail attempt to correct the damage was a fruitless task. I was in way over my head and was doomed to fail us. You are devastated and crushed...and are absolutely furious with me at this time....and I deserve every emotion you offer me.
One thing is missing though. Despite all the carnage I've caused you and the suffering you experience now. I have somehow managed to never offer you an apology for everything I've done. Believe me I have wanted to....and of course I have needed to, but the words to express during this time have never been able to slip off my tongue. My mind can hoard many thoughts and emotions but yet my body won't allow them out,and as a result that causes you more pain. I don't know how I can put into words the necessary actions I should take at this time. All I can say is...Simply....I'm sorry. I truly am...
You sent me a picture of you recently standing in front of your mirror with a smile that was just for show. You putting on your happy face when knowing very well what you were doing was crying on the inside. I saw right through it and it made me cry as well. My only thought was how big of a fool I am,because seeing you standing there makes one realize that everything I ever needed in life was standing in front of that mirror. It's not like I am leaving in an unhappy situation. It's not like I'm leaving because I don't love you. No! It's quite the opposite. You know my situation and you know that I feel like those levels of love and happiness have been elevated beyond my control. Levels that I never knew possible. Levels that I didn't actively seek or premeditate to find.
You told me in San Francisco back in May that you never wanted to stand in my way of me being truly happy. And I know that an effort was made (albeit weak) to curb myself off my new found emotions for someone else. My biggest drive in that effort was to prevent you from being hurt. System failure!
But I want to hold you to your words. And I want you to understand that my love for you has never changed. And it never will. It may be hard to understand some of this letter for now. But I think over time you will understand I have the opportunity to experience life the way you have experienced it with me. I'm just very sorry I was unable to return some of the emotions you offered me. Thank you for being you...and for understanding...and caring.
I look forward to the day we can continue a sturdy friendship and be able to catch up on life. A life we were able to share for almost 7 years. I know,despite the emotions you feel right now, you feel the same way.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
|20 years of Tennis magazine|
This summer marks my 20th year as a tennis player. My cousin introduced me to the sport in the summer of 1991,which was a great, inexpensive way to spend my weekends during my summer break from high school. Every Friday and Saturday night during that summer were make shift round robin tennis tourneys with my two cousins and my two brothers. Each player would compete against another in a 4 game set and a tally of total games won throughout pool play determined semifinalists. One of us wasn't making the cut and I was always determined to not let it be me. Long hours spent teaching myself the game and all my bad habits have lingered for the last 20 years :)
|Martina Navratilova. Charleston SC 2004|
I was cleaning out a closet this week and stumbled upon my 20 years of Tennis magazine. This put me in a reflective mood. 20 great years of memories both on and off the courts. Travelling to tournaments to watch and of course these days to play.
|Billie Jean King, Raleigh NC 1999|
|Monica Seles,Raleigh NC 1999|
I compete on the GLTA tour three or four times a year and that's a great way to compete. I've been on the tour for four years now. My two favorite activities combined....tennis and travel. Atlanta,Orlando,Raleigh,Washington DC,Amsterdam,New York....and many more to come.
|Playing a doubles match on Louis Armstrong at the BJKNTC, New York City;2009|
I have gotten away from summer tennis over the past couple years. Partly due to pursuing other interests. I tend to play more tennis during the fall and winter. 5 to 6 hours a week indoors. Indoor tennis is by far more relaxing. No wind,heat,sun or rain. Controlled conditions are perfect. I need all the help I can get.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
In the past couple of weeks I have been doing some routine pampering and maintenance to my car. Oil change,tire rotation,state inspection,wash,wax,and vacuum. My annual "car appreciation month". Yes it's true. It seems that I'm so lazy about this that my car is lucky to be washed and waxed more than once a year,and I drive it very short distances these days that it only require two to three oil changes a year. It seems my 12 month state inspection always get pushed to a 14-16 month as well. Yes, it seems much neglect and laziness is applied to my car,and yet my car has really stood the test of time. I may treat it like dirt and of course let it wear dirt but my 1998 Eagle Talon has never let me down. A true friend indeed.
Eagle was purchased in late 1997 as a gift to myself as congratulatory for acquiring my new job with the USPS and a recent move from my hometown of Bassett,VA to my new home and new life in Roanoke,VA. Very few objects I've owned has lasted longer than Eagle. I drove that bad boy right off the lot and it never bothered me that I payed the sticker price and was probably nickled and dimed more than I should have. Talk about young,dumb,and full of....well you know.
I paid Eagle off in five years and I have enjoyed a car payment free life ever since. Almost 15 years old and still kicking like a 4 year old. Oh sure, it shows its age. I have some minor issues with my sunroof (at least it doesn't leak) and a slight oil leak that has not really been that much a burden til recently as I've had to start adding quarts of oil in between oil changes. This is in part due to the length of time it takes me to actually change oil since It rarely gets large amounts of mileage in any given road trip. Last week my car hit 129,000 miles. Very low considering the age.
Eagle and I have traveled all over together.
....and many more places....It seems to like to travel more than I.
Every now and then my eyes will start to drift to all the new car dealers as I pass their lots. I wonder how long I will be able to avoid the temptation to trade Eagle in. I start to think how great Eagle has been to me and I just don't have what it takes to "get rid" of her. I'm pretty sure Eagle and I will be together until she rots away. Last year I even treated her to a bumper sticker. "Evolution happens whether you like it or not!" with a picture of Mr Darwin himself. Thanks for helping me spread the word Eagle :)
I have been approached several times about selling Eagle,but she is just too good of a reliable friend to part ways. I'm sure the day will come in which I must say good bye to my car. All good things must come to an end. But until then.....I'm going out for a joy ride.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
This week I'm plucking 25 words out of our dictionary that everyone should try to apply to their lives,including myself.Mere words and yet so much thinking and understanding should go into them. Sum them all up and reach for a better mental way of life. In no particular order.
Try to be guilty to as many as these as possible. Have a great week everyone :)