Sunday, August 28, 2011

A Public Apology

Dear Wai-Kwok,

 We met almost 7 years ago and never in my wildest imaginings did I ever think we would get as far as we did. I will be the first to admit that I struggled to put a lot of stock into us. Investing in our future together was something that was a very slow process indeed. For some reason I always had a sense of a temporary status in everything we did. I didn't think we would ever make it out of our long distance status. Once you moved to Roanoke I never thought you would be willing to stay very long and I knew you would never convince me to move north. Of course both these predictions were proven false. 
 Earlier this year, you and I had a very long talk one night on the way home from Winston Salem. We learned so much about each other that night,it left me thinking...Why did it take over 6 years to finally get to know that side of you and for you to understand my way of thinking and policies on life. It was as though we were starting anew. And there for a while it was a new beginning. As we shared in confidence about our openness and expressed our ideas and views it became clear that I was discovering a new you,and you discovering a new me. It felt great,liberating and relief to finally let each other understand different points of view.
 I guess in hindsight I was letting you into my heart because I knew there was a storm cloud brewing in the distant future. As we came into new light about how we managed our relationship I knew it was becoming clear that the unavoidable was about to happen.
 Somewhere along the way I had been driving a wedge between you and I. And I have to confess it was such a gradual process that the end result was absolutely blindsiding. Before I knew what was happening the damage was irreversible. My frail attempt to correct the damage was a fruitless task. I was in way over my head and was doomed to fail us. You are devastated and crushed...and are absolutely furious with me at this time....and I deserve every emotion you offer me.   

  One thing is missing though. Despite all the carnage I've caused you and the suffering you experience now. I have somehow managed to never offer you an apology for everything I've done. Believe me I have wanted to....and of course I have needed to, but the words to express during this time have never been able to slip off my tongue. My mind can hoard many thoughts and emotions but yet my body won't allow them out,and as a result that causes you more pain. I don't know how I can put into words the necessary actions I should take at this time. All I can say is...Simply....I'm sorry. I truly am...
  You sent me a picture of you recently standing in front of your mirror with a smile that was just for show. You putting on your happy face when knowing very well what  you were doing was crying on the inside. I saw right through it and it made me cry as well. My only thought was how big of a fool I am,because seeing you standing there makes one realize that everything I ever needed in life was standing in front of that mirror. It's not like I am leaving in an unhappy situation. It's not like I'm leaving because I don't love you. No! It's quite the opposite. You know my situation and you know that I feel like those levels of love and happiness have been elevated beyond my control. Levels that I never knew possible. Levels that I didn't actively seek or premeditate to find. 
  You told me in San Francisco back in May that you never wanted to stand in my way of me being truly happy. And I know that an effort was made (albeit weak) to curb myself off my new found emotions for someone else. My biggest drive in that effort was to prevent you from being hurt. System failure! 
 But I want to hold you to your words. And I want you to understand that my love for you has never changed. And it never will. It may be hard to understand some of this letter for now. But I think over time you will understand I have the opportunity to experience life the way you have experienced it with me. I'm just very sorry I was unable to return some of the emotions you offered me. Thank you for being you...and for understanding...and caring.
 I look forward to the day we can continue a sturdy friendship and be able to catch up on life. A life we were able to share for almost 7 years. I know,despite the emotions you feel right now, you feel the same way.

With love,

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